Marriage - A Covenant for
Growth
People marry for many
different reasons – to have children, because
they're in love, because they're "supposed to," so they
won't have to be alone, to bring two families together, .
. . . The reasons are a varied as the couples themselves.
For me, the first time I got married I was 19. I married
because I was afraid of being an old maid. My first
marriage lasted for all of two years. Hardly one of my
finer moments. I was just part of the divorce statistics
in our country.
Part of the challenge is our
expectations of marriage. What is it we're taught about
this thing that is part of life? What were you taught?
You probably heard, "When you marry, you do it for life."
It doesn't matter if you don't get along, you stay
married. It will all work out, no matter what. Marriage
will make you happy. For women, marriage will make you
whole. DO it to make your mother (or father) happy.
I've heard women marry their
fathers and men marry their mothers. In my first marriage
that was certainly true. In my current marriage, my
husband is the farthest thing from my father he could be.
Still, for me and for many women, as soon as the ceremony
was over, a shift happened inside me that changed
me.
There is an unspoken belief for
women about marriage: As soon as the words "I do" are
spoken, we suddenly become the second half of a couple
and lose ourselves. Of course it's not really true. We
are still individuals. However, there is an expectation
we will become the Mrs. to our Mr. Inside of us we take
on a new role and become subordinated citizens to our
husbands. Everything we do as wives will be directly
related to what our husbands do and want. We will become,
in effect, joined at the hip. (It's interesting this
happens for women only. Typically, ,en are not impaired
in their lives by this "losing of self" in
marriage.)
I remember my mother saying to me
once that when I got married I'd let go of all the things
I want and believe and take on what my husband wanted me
to be. I know at the time she believed that. It's what
she did when she married my father. Intellectually I
argued. However, that's still exactly what I did when I
got married.
What's the alternative? I believe
in the concept and viability of marriage. None of us is
meant to live alone and there is tremendous joy possible
in sharing your life with a mate. If we want healthy
marriages though, we need to change our
expectations.
Marriage does take work. Great
marriages don't just happen, they are created. Saying "I
do" is not enough. Entering with an open mind and heart
is not enough. Man and women must be aware that what they
are agreeing to is a shared growth opportunity.
Philip, my husband, has been one of
my greatest teachers so far in my life. We'd been
together four years before we got married. In the
beginning there was tremendous passion, just like in most
relationships. Romantic love was very much a part of our
lives.
Almost immediately, though, I
started reacting to the unwritten code of a woman's role
in marriage and about three years after our wedding day,
I began feeling like this was not going to work for me.
Life became a daily struggle between us and both of us
began to wonder if we'd still be together in a year.
On the outside things still looked
fine. Only those close to us had a clue there was
anything amiss. This was the beginning of one of my
darkest times - not in a negative sense. I stepped into a
great unknown and began walking in the dark, not knowing
what was a head. I was highly emotional and volatile, did
not laugh much and did not do a lot of sharing with
Philip. I was working with two coaches at the time,
reading a lot of books and listening to a lot of tapes.
I had to begin looking at what was
coming up for me and the mirror that Philip was for me in
my life. What were my lessons? What were my
opportunities?
First I let go of us being "joined
at the hip." I became my own person again and an
individual in a shared life. I examined all the
relationships I'd had with men, beginning with my father
and the role I'd take on as a woman as a result. I was
able to soften the edges of my personality and allow the
feminine side of me to be seen more. I was able to be
more vulnerable with Philip and trust he would not hurt
me in my vulnerability. I was able to stop being a mother
to Philip and instead became an adult partner in his
life. I was able to stop controlling him (as if that were
possible anyway) and allow him the space to grow himself,
for even as he was an opportunity for me to grow, so was
I for him.
There is so much more. Still, I am
grateful every day that I did not follow my usual pattern
of behavior and walk out of my marriage. I am thrilled
with where we are today in our relationship. We do not
have the same romantic, passionate love we had seven to
ten years ago. What we have, instead, is a depth of love
that is more knowing and more respectful of who we are as
individuals and what we bring to our
partnership.
What I want for every married
person is to understand it is a shared life of
opportunity. As one of you grows, the other is resting
and supporting. Then the roles reverse. This is a dance
that continues throughout your marriage. It is a joy. It
is a process. It is an intimacy that can only be shared
in trust, in respect and in love. Enjoy the journey. It
may the most enriching one you will ever be
on.