Back to Article index To print this page, click on the Print icon in your browser.   A Letter to My Mother . . .   It's Mother's Day and it's been a year since my mother's passing. You've been with me on my journey this year and have shared many of my experiences. My mother's passing was probably the hardest event in my life so far. It was also the one causing me to grow at the deepest level. For that I am grateful. Still, I would like to have my Mom here with me. I'd like to do more of what we were getting ready to create together before she left this earth plane so suddenly. Given that's not an option, I chose, instead, to write her a letter and share it with you. My wish for all of you is that you create the relationship with your Mom you really want. You are people walking this planet together and now is the time to change, grow and love. Don't let time pass. Let go of the anger you might feel, it festers like a cancer. Stop being too busy, all you have is now. Find a common ground and share your heart. It will make a difference for you now!   Dear Mom,   It's been a year since you left us. I am continually amazed at how much I miss you. I've wanted to pick up the phone so many times to share something that was going on in my life. Feels odd - I never thought to call just to share when you were here.   So many things touch me in deep places now and I know it's because of you. I find myself crying a lot - at little things. A word on a TV show, a passage in a book, seeing children with their moms or just because. Tears have always been hard for me. You never taught me how to cry. You taught me how to withhold my feelings and be strong on the outside. I can only imagine what is was like for you all the years you held in your own emotions. I thank you, Mom, for releasing me from that lesson and, in your passing, for allowing me the opportunity to grow more fully into accepting my feelings as real, as difficult and uncomfortable as it is sometimes.   There are still some things I remember you teaching me or saying to me I will probably never agree with. I was angry about them for a long time. There are other things in which I'm now able to see your wisdom, hindsight is so clear! For those I can now thank you. Through it all though, I know you were always doing your best for me and the rest of the family. You lived your life based on a truth I do not yet know. The weekend you left us was the weekend I was going to ask you so many questions about who you were. I missed that and am just now, after one year, getting past the anger of you leaving so suddenly.   There are no mistakes. It was time for you to pass on and I honor that. I can even stop feeling cheated because I know you are with me still and, when I am quiet, I can hear you and sometimes even feel you. I know you loved me in life and your love continues from the other side. I know you worried about me and only wanted me to be happy, whatever that meant. I didn't always understand that when you were here . . . and I didn't tell you nearly enough how much I love you. I'm not sure I even knew. I was caught up in my own ego and my own life to pay much attention to others. Yet you always had time to talk to me when I did call and you reached out to me often. Sometimes I didn't have time to talk and I cut our conversations short. I often felt we didn't have a common language to have an extended conversation. What I didn't see was we were both coming from different directions to the same desire. We both wanted to have a relationship and never quite made it to that common place. Except that one call when I shared a deep personal hurt with you and I exposed my vulnerability to you (probably for the first time.) All you said was you wanted me to be happy and whatever I decided to do, you'd still love me. I think I felt closer to you in that moment than ever before. It was a beginning of change for me . . . change in our relationship and change in myself. I felt your love more powerfully in that one conversation and it was my catalyst for wanting more.   Then you were gone.   I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain my actions caused you, Mom. Some was out of my own ego; some without my understanding of how my choices were affecting you; some out of anger toward you and some out of allowing myself to be controlled by other people's wishes.   I know you are in a place now where you see truth clearly and there is nothing I can say to surprise you. I am stronger now, more aware and more willing to live my own truth, your truth. I still have much learning ahead of me and find comfort in knowing you are still with me even if I can't call you on the telephone or hug you and tell you I love you.   Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you!     © Copyright May, 1999. Laura Hess, MCC 702.252.3657