Back to Article index To print this page, click on the Print icon in your browser.   Does This Pass the Joy Test?   How often have you found yourself saying "yes" when you mean "no"? How many activities or tasks are you involved in you don't want to be? What are you doing out of a sense of obligation? Where are you experiencing feelings of resentment, anger or frustration?   My answers to those questions used to be very different than what they are now and it wasn't so long ago when my answers changed. I'm not different from you. I did what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I stayed active and involved and took care of details others didn't want to. I was great at getting things done. (As the saying goes, "If you want something done, give it to a busy person!" I was that person.) I responded to messages about what I should do even when it was not always in my best interest. Like many women, I was a caretaker, thinking of myself last and only after everybody else was okay.   What I forgot (or never really knew) was every time I said "yes" instead of "no," every activity or task I agreed to even when I didn't want to, contributed to my frustration, anger and resentment. In fact, there was no way for me to feel good about myself and my life as long as I honored other people's wants and needs over my own.   Does any of this strike home for you? There's probably at least a little truth here for everybody. So what do you do about it? How do you change life-long patterns and behaviors? Like so much of what I write, the process of change is a simple one to understand though not always easy to live.   The simple answer here is applying the Joy Test. In working with my own coach I finally understood at some point how involved I was in doing things for the wrong reasons. This doesn't mean what I was doing was wrong. What it does mean is the choices I made in my life were largely based on what I thought other people expected. I acted on what I'd been told was the right way for me to get ahead in business, to get along with people, to be happy . . . .   The truth for both you and me is unless we're living our life in alignment with who we are at our core and with our personal values, we will continue the cycle of frustration, resentment and anger. The Joy Test gives us a way to decide when our choices are good ones for us.   The prerequisite is that you know what brings you joy. What do you feel passionate about? What activities energize you? Where are you naturally drawn? What kind of people do you enjoy being with? How well are you taking care of yourself?   This is your first challenge in using the Joy Test. Dig deep inside yourself and shine a light into the forgotten corners where your joy and passion are hidden. Revisit your childhood when you were carefree, inquisitive and innocent. Begin to understand where your joy comes from and how it feels. For some it may have been a while since you've experienced joy. For others, it may be your joy has only been lost recently in the face of current circumstances or events. Whatever is true for you is fine. This is a great time to reconnect with that feeling. Allow yourself to smile with the memory and enjoy it in the moment.   The next step is to look at everything and everyone in your life: all your activities, the people around you, your hobbies, your work and everything else that is part of your life. Make a list. This is a pretty big step since most of us have taken on so many roles and are involved in so many things. Be specific here and include as much as you can.   Now apply the Joy Test. For everything you've listed ask yourself, "Does this activity/person/involvement bring me joy?" Next to each item write an "A" (for adds to my joy) or "D" (detracts from my joy). It will become very clear where your energy is being sucked out of you. For many people, there will be very few "A's," for some people there will be none. Is it any wonder you are experiencing frustration, anger or resentment?   Finally, begin eliminating from your life all the items on your list with "D's." This is where it starts getting challenging. I guarantee this process will not be easy. It may cause you pain. It will probably not be understood by many people in your current circle. It could create a temporary void in your life.   Be relentless in applying the Joy Test to your life. When you do, your life will become easier, you will be surrounded by more loving and supportive people and (surprise) you'll feel joyful almost all the time. Start now. Make it a habit to ask yourself, "Does this pass the Joy Test?" Experience the difference it makes. Imagine your life when the answer to the question is always, "YES!"     © Copyright October, 1997. Laura Hess, MCC 702.252.3657