Back to Article index To print this page, click on the Print icon in your browser.    Control - Our Last Great Illusion   I am a card-carrying member of Controllers Anonymous. I've been through the 12-step program and consider myself to be in full recovery even though there are still times I need my "sponsor" to call me down when I'm on the edge of reverting to my controlling behavior.   I share this with humor and lightness because even thinking I had control of events and circumstances in my life was my last great illusion. How arrogant of me to think what I said and did had the power to control people and things outside myself.   I know I'm not alone, here. I've led enough classes and had conversations about control with enough people to hear the same stories over and over again. Sometimes, when we are in the grand illusion, we even get to the point of throwing tantrums to get our way. How silly.   The truth about control is . . . the only place you have it is inside your own mind. What you think, how you feel, the choices you make – therein lies your control.   We are creatures of habit. Too often our responses are based on reflex and conditioning instead of truth. We have a tendency to react to our environment and the people in it based on past experiences. Usually we're not even aware of it. Our mind just takes over and reaction sets in. We become victims to our own past.   You have the ability to choose differently and choice is the key. Choice is about responsiveness instead of reactiveness. Reaction is automatic and without thought. Response is intentional. Reaction is out-of-control. Response is personal control over your thoughts, choices and actions.   First you need awareness and then comes choice. Take a look at your life through new eyes. Where are you triggered into reaction mode? What is the trigger, what are your buttons? Where does it come from – where did you learn it? Does it really serve you? What is the truth about your life when you are in reaction? What do you get – what is your reward?   After awareness comes choice. How would you like your responses to be different? What do you want instead? What is the real truth for you? Is your choice to show anger and upset or is your choice to be more in flow? Do you want to be living in fear or love? Do you choose to come from compassion for yourself and the people in your world?   You decide.   The other part of the picture is how much control we allow other people in our lives – the victim role played so well by so many. What others think, their responses to us or our world can have a tremendous impact on us and our choices (if we let it.) We give up so much when we let other people control what happens in our minds. (Who lets them in?) Take this example:   You wake up in a wonderful mood, happy and looking forward to the day ahead. You get ready to leave for work, jump in the car and off you go. On the way you have to stop for gas so you pull into the station and start pumping your gas. Another car pulls in at the pump on the other side of the island. The driver gets out of the car with a scowl on his face. Clearly he's not happy. He even seems angry about something. He's stomping around, banging things and making it known he doesn't want to be messed with. As you both fill your tanks he begins ranting and raving to you about the misery in his life and how horrible his life and the world are. The more he talks, the more you are drawn into his story. Your mood begins to change and as you finish at the pump, your face is less bright than when you stopped your engine.   The pivotal moment arrives - what do you do? You are at choice in this moment, knowingly or not. You can allow this man to be in control of your mind and shift your own mood for the rest of the day OR you can choose to let him keep his anger to himself and not take it on as your own, instead remaining in your own lightness of mood.   If you allow him control, not only are you a victim, you have given control to a person who has no skill in controlling even his own mind in a positive way. Is that what you really want?   In choosing to control your own mind and responses and choosing to remain in your lightness, you are responding to your environment from your own truth, not being influenced from outside.   Your power comes from your control of your mind. You could even use your power of control to "influence" the man from the gas station by responding to him with understanding, compassion and love – also a choice. He may not "get it" on the surface. At some level, though, he will be touched.   Start with yourself. Choose lightness and your personal truth. Take back control of your mind and your life. Other people will not want to give up their perceptions of having control over you. It's not up to you to change their perceptions – that would be assuming you have control over their minds. (You have influence, not control.) Be intentional in your control. Awareness comes first. Notice where you are reacting and change to responding. Do the work. Change your life – one day at a time; one step at a time. You will find it truly amazing and magical how the world around you responds differently to you when you are the one controlling your mind.     © Copyright November, 2000. Laura Hess, MCC 702.252.3657