Back to Article index To print this page, click on the Print icon in your browser.   Catalyst to Love   I didn't really know I had another choice – a way to live that connected the logic of my mind to the feelings in my heart. It wasn't until I found myself on the edge of the abyss, looking into blackness and not seeing anything behind me to pull me back, that I was able to make the connection.   The catalyst for me was depression. It's a bit ironic that a disease like depression (rendering me nearly incapable of functioning in day-to-day activities) was the spark moving me to action and re-igniting my inner flame.   My father died in January, 1993. We hadn't spoken for over 10 years. His last comment to me before I closed the door that last time was not new. It was a replay from all the years before and sounded something like this:   "Laura, what you're feeling doesn't matter. This is the way it is, you'll see."   That was actually the beginning for me of acknowledging and accepting my feelings as real and valid. It was probably the first time I ever stood for myself and what was right and true for me. From that point on, it was not okay for anybody to tell me my feelings didn't matter.   I struggled with my decision for years, falling back to old patterns and assuming I was wrong or bad for not agreeing with my father. I spent time talking to my Rabbi about this and he gave me the tools to get to a place of some comfort with my lack of relationship with my father. (What he shared with me was the ten commandments do not require that we love our mother and father. Rather, the injunction is to honor them. If you are living your life in a way that they could be proud of you, you are honoring them. That is enough.) It wasn't a place of forgiveness for either my father or myself. I just came to an inner peace, however temporary it was. This peace came to me after five years of struggling and guilt over my decision to stand for myself.   Five years later, it was my father's passing that brought me to the abyss. I attended his funeral and, at the time, had no idea what was being stirred up inside me. Feelings started popping into my consciousness and I had no experience or skill in what to do with them. So I chose to throw myself more completely into my work and push the feelings down like I had always done before. Problem was, the more I worked and ignored what was happening for me, the deeper I dropped into the darkness that was engulfing me.   One day at work, I was told by somebody that a decision I'd made was wrong and I had no right to make it. I heard my father's voice and I fell into the darkness. I needed help.   It's so true – when the student is ready the teacher appears. My teacher was a therapist and in working with her for four months I was finally able to begin connecting my head and my heart and embrace the feelings I was experiencing. It takes me a while some times to get the lessons. When I am ready, though, I am a quick study. I did my homework, I cried a lot, I trusted the work I was doing with my therapist a nd I learned. My most important lessons? Here they are:   1. I could choose to continue living with past hurts or accept that that was then and this is now. What happened in the past didn't follow me into my present unless I allowed it. Every moment of my past is a part of me now and has made me the woman I am. I am not, however, my past. I realized the beliefs I was holding onto were limiting me in my ability to fully express my essence. It was time to move on - not forget, just move on.   2. I am okay. No matter what the people who love me – or say they do – think about my choices of decisions, what I do in my life, if it's in alignment with my personal truth, is perfect for me and it's not for them to approve or judge me as being right.   3. Love is the most powerful force we have within us. Being able to live in love is the greatest gift any of us can give to ourselves. We do have to start with self love and this may be the hardest thing we ever undertake. It is a necessary first step for all of us on the path to enlightenment. We can go through the motions, looking like life is wonderful and perfect. If self-love is not part of our being, life can't be perfect.   4. We are all doing the best we can at any given moment in our lives. I was - even at my worst. My parents did. All the people in my life and all the people I don't know - we all do our best. (Even when we know we could be doing better in any given moment. The reality is, if we could be doing better in that moment, we wold be. So, you ARE doing your best.)   Life is meant to be enjoyed, lived to its fullest. That includes feeling. Too many people are cut off from their own emotions – afraid of them, unaware of them, in denial of them. Without feelings, you are only half alive – maybe not even half-alive. Learn to feel. If you are afraid or don't have a clue how to do that, get help. Without the emotional side of your being, you are depriving yourself of the bliss and joy you could be experiencing.   I had to come to the edge of the abyss to "get it." You don't.     © Copyright November, 2000. Laura Hess, MCC 702.252.3657